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| Madison and I snuggling after our first nursing session the day after she was born. |
{if you read any of this, please read the end, at least.}
I have something that I need to let go of.I have a burden that I am carrying.
Some thoughts that I need to let out.
I still mourn my daughter's birth.
She was born via C-section, which is not at all what I had planned.
{i know, i know... don't make plans for your birth experience}
Sometimes, I feel like it could have happened differently.
I feel like it's my fault for not demanding exams when I felt that something was wrong.
I blame myself for being ok with not seeing the doctor that day.
You see, my doctor is the best local doctor at turning breech babies.
He has a great track record and is highly recommended for turning a breech baby.
My doctor was out of town several times during the last few weeks of my pregnancy.
He had a sick father.
A conference.
... and a vacation.
So I did not get examined properly the last few weeks like I should have.
In fact, some of my last few appointments, I didn't even see a nurse practitioner. All of my levels were good, and everything seemed great on paper. I knew something was wrong. I knew at 36, 37, and 38 weeks that feeling the pressure I felt in my ribs wasn't right. Not bad, just not right.
At my 39 week appointment I got my first pelvic exam.
He didn't feel Madison's head. In fact, he couldn't identify which part of her body he felt. My sister was with me when we received this news. He ordered an ultrasound for a few days later, but I still remained calm. I didn't really worry too much at this point. I guess I was in denial.
When my husband and I went to the ultrasound appt, the tech confirmed my fears by saying "What's she doing all the way up there??" I just cried, and cried, and cried.... We went on with the appointment and the doctor delivered the news that I was too far in my pregnancy, and my amniotic fluid was too low for a good chance of getting her turned. He informed us that we could still try, but at this point - it would be dangerous. We scheduled a C section for the following Friday. April 13, 2012. Friday the 13th.
To some of you this is old news, but here's the catch.
I blame my doctor.
He went out of town.
He was gone.
I did not get the proper examinations.
I feel that if I had been given the proper care, we could have identified the situation earlier in gestation and possibly avoided the problem. I could have had more than a few days to try and get her to turn. I would have had more fluid to ease her into the right position.
Then, I think... what if it's my fault?
What if my body is deformed, and that's just where she fit?
I get angry with my doctor.
I get angry with myself.
I blame my birth experience for my depression.
I blame my birth experience for my breastfeeding problems.
Many moms can say that their child's birth day was the best day of their life.
I would say it was the scariest and most traumatic day of my life.
Of course, reality quickly settles in, and I realize...
My baby girl is developing beautifully.
She is happy and healthy.
Madison is beautiful.
Yes, we had some scary NICU moments, but she is doing just fine.
No blame is needed.
I have to thank my doctor & sweet nurse who delivered my baby. They did so great. They brought her into this world safely and perfectly. My doctor was so sweet, and knew what a wreck I was, so he didn't even put staples on my incision. He knew I didn't need that.
Now, I must move on to the obvious.
Thank you, Jesus. You have created all things for good. You brought us through some rough days that sometimes seem so far behind us! I thank you for the technology to bring my baby safely into this world and to sustain her after her birth. I thank you for my doctor, he is so smart, kind, compassionate, and godly. He cared for me and mourned with us as he delivered the bad news that hard day. I thank you that my girl is super healthy. I thank you that you gave her to us. I know that you protected us all on that Friday, and you were there with us in that operating room. It was scary, and several things went less than perfect, but we are all safe and healthy because you have taken care of us. Thanks, Jesus.
After I sent my husband this post for proofing {as I do with most of my emotional posts, and I suggest you do too!} he said this:
"God
works ALL THINGS together for the good of those that love him! Not just the
good things. ALL. Our daughter is perfect. She is an angel straight from
heaven. She isn’t an angel that became a fetus and then a child. She is just an
angel. I love her so much. And I love you so much more! “
I must mourn this birth experience and put it to rest, now. I don't know why the Lord chose for me to have a C-section. I don't see his plan in this, but I must have faith that it was what was best for the both of us. I must put to rest the envy of mothers who have experienced labor pains. I must put to rest feeling like I didn't get that "right of passage" that other moms get with childbirth. I must stop saying that I didn't "birth" Madison, and that she was just "taken."
14 comments:
My birth experience was lightyears away from what I had envisioned. While I did have five weeks on bedrest in the hospital to come to terms with it I was still pretty angry and sad after the fact. I think that is normal and it is normal to mourn, because it is a loss in a way. The important thing is just to remember and focus on the fact that you have a beautiful healthy little girl. :)
I had an appointment 3 days before my due date to find she had become breech after to been head down for months. I also was devastated and scheduled a cessation for days later. I felt the stress you felt, and went in for the surgery to find she had re-flipped back. I was relieved, but her being my second, I knew "normal" birth is no walk in the park either.
With that, I don't think there is normal or abnormal...whatever and however you have your baby is between you and God. Some women need surrogates, some do adoption....I'm sorry you feel sad at times about this...your daughter is adorable, and maybe next time you can have a v-bac
I had a very similar reaction to how our birth went. After 2 days of labour and trying so hard, we ended up with a c-section. I still have some feelings that come up now and then with how it all went down. Now that I am expecting #2 I have to decide whether or not I want surgery again or to try for a natural birth...it's so overwhelming. I am envious of the women who had natural births, and who don't have to think of these things...It sucks. Sometimes you just have to take a moment and let all those feelings out, experience them, and then try to make peace. I think it is very normal to feel the way we do, and it's impossible to move on unless we are honest about how we feel. Most of the time it's impossible to see beyond the blessing that we were given in having a child, but it's ok to feel a little sad about how they were delivered to us now and then. It gets better with time. :)
New Follower here from Mommy moments. I so identify with this post. In fact I wrote a similar one after my little girl was born via c-section in July. I Mourned for that birth experience, but I am(mostly) at peace with it now.Bless you for sharing.
www.littlegems3.blogspot.com
Thanks for hosting, new follower. Hope you'll drop in and say hello
With my oldest, I was diagnosed with Pre-E around 28weeks. I spent a week on modified bed rest, then 4 weeks on strict bed rest, and then a week in the hospital. My doctor decided that delivering at 34 weeks was going to have to be done. She induced, and after 8 hours of labor, we had to be rushed into a life saving c-section to save both our lives. FAR from from I had "planned." I had wanted a as drug free as possible delivery, and of course a c-section was the last thing on my mind. I sunk into a deep dark hole for a long time after. HOwever, with the help of friends, family, and God, I was able to get out and realize that I had no one to blame, and if we had done things differently, one, if not both of us, wouldn't be here today.
Thank you for sharing your true feelings.
http://musingsofamommabear.blogspot.com/
I had a natural delivery with my first and I don't understand why anyone would be envious; It was the most awful experience ever in my life. My second was everything we want in the arrival of our precious gifts from the Lord. We each have different journeys, joys and disappointments to deal with, each our own unique journey and there is much we can be thankful for.
"God works ALL THINGS together for the good of those that love him! Not just the good things. ALL.
That was for me tonight. I really needed to 'hear' that. thank you M.
Oh, Megan... I hurt for you. I never had to have a C-section, but I had my heart set on breastfeeding. It was a connection with my first son that I was dreaming of my entire pregnancy. Instead, there was so much bleeding, pain, and a 1-pound weight loss in 4 days. I quit after a week and a half with him, not having the research and resources I needed to make it work. I ached and cried, and ached and cried some more. How could it have not worked? I'm supposed to be made for this; it's supposed to be second nature. I, too, had more than "blues" over it. With my second son, I fought for it... after almost 3 months, a tongue-clipping (apparently both of them were tongue-tied), and much pain and tears, I have an amazing breastfeeding relationship with him. While my oldest is a very happy, healthy 3-year-old, I still feel like I had that stolen from me (in fact, I'm still getting choked up and frustrated writing this). ...Your husband is so right, and Romans 8:28 is my favorite Bible verse. I wish I had advice to help you "get over it," but all I can say is that I think I understand some of your pain. I pray that you can find the peace you need to move past this.
Christine
Megan thank you for sharing your story and being real! I know you have encouraged many women and your strength brings glory to God! Thanks for linking this up with our Mommy Moments. You were this weeks top viewed link and will be featured Monday:)
Hey Megan,
It's Bridget from www.fullheartfullhome.com
I just wanted you to know I have a good friend who has struggled with some of the very same emotions and blogs a lot about working through her own csection experience. Thought it might help you as well.
She blogs at:
http://walkingwithdancers.blogspot.com/
Thankful for the opportunity to cohost with you all this week!
Blessings,
Bridget
I actually had a scheduled c-section..not because anything was wrong..it was just what I wanted. Hard for some to believe or wonder why..but it was my choice. And I still am glad I did it this way. Just because you didnt experience 'labor pains' doesnt mean you missed out..God gave you a beautiful baby girl and He brought her into the world the way that was best for her. Having a csection is no walk in the park and there comes many pains along with it..but at the end of the day..your now a mommy..and the biggest blessing there is. :)
mmm, I so relate to your words. My first was born via c-section, two and a half years ago. And I struggled tremendously with the emotions that came from that. Very much like all that you shared. I blamed myself, thought maybe the staff could have done something. And questioned God like crazy. I too think I had depression from it all. If nothing else, at least post-traumatic stress syndrome, coming out the worst on her birthday (both years.) But God has been so patient and has stayed right by my side despite all my questions, all my upsets, and then all my fears and intense emotions that came up during my second pregnancy.
I was so blessed to have had a VBAC for my second daughter's birth. And while I had expected that to heal me, it didn't. Its been 5 months since, and only in about the past month or so have I even started being able to process that verse "all things together for good" -- but now that I am processing it I am moved to tears by God's goodness to me every time it comes to mind. I don't think its because of the VBAC but because God has been kind and patient to me and let me work through every bit of my pain with him.
I saw your post from a blog hop my friend just shared, so I don't know much about you,(so maybe you've already done this) but one thing that helped me tremendously to work through my emotions was going to an ICAN meeting. It was so incredibly relieving for me to be in a room full of women who could relate to me on these experiences and emotions, because its so hard for those that haven't experienced it to help. I really hope you get to experience that. (To find one near you: http://www.ican-online.org/chapter/search)
And I don't know if this will mean much coming from outside yourself, but I wanted to let you know that as soon as my second daughter came out, I realized just how much I actually HAD birthed my first daughter. I finally knew I had been strong all along, stronger than any of those "natural birth stories" made me feel in the past. I wish I could have always given myself the grace to know that.
Anyway, you are doing great and are so so so much stronger than you know.
God will hold your hand and process this with you as long as you need to -- way longer than you feel is "acceptable."
I blogged my way through my second pregnancy and all my crazy emotions that came with it, if you ever needed someone to relate to on such things: http://walkingwithdancers.blogspot.com/search/label/Pregnancy
-Lydia
I totally know how you feel. I had 3 c sections. With all 3 I tried for a normal birth. It never worked and I feel like something must be wrong w my body that caused it not to be able to birth babies. It's a very sad feeling.
I can totally relate to your feelings, Megan. We wanted to deliver our baby boy via Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth and had been planning that route for MONTHS when we found out at my 37 week appt that baby boy was Breech (!!!). Scheduled c-section at 40 weeks, and it was the. most. difficult thing I've been through. Laying our expectations down at the feed of Jesus is NO easy feat! I give you so much credit for writing openly and honestly about this!
Our birth story is here: http://nathanandrachelatwood.blogspot.com/2012/07/williams-birth-story.html
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