A little bit of venting..

I’m sitting here at work slightly jaded (and menstrual) as I browse the internet. One of my favorite sites to visit during slow days at work is etsy. In case you aren’t familiar with etsy, it is a web host for small (…and not so small) businesses (…and grandmaws) to sell their cute (and not so cute) items. I love to browse through and look at all the people’s homemade items. I’m sitting here in jealousy of all of these people who are living out their dreams and doing what they love for a living.

I’m so happy with my life right now, but one area that could use some tweaking is my career. I’m no where near where I thought I would be in my career. I’m so glad. Yesterday I was talking with a dear co-worker about life. She is young with three children. She got pregnant months after marrying and had all three children within a short amount of time. She was pregnant with her first child upon graduating college. My co worker explained her pre-mommy dreams to me and then compared them to her current goals. She continued to explain to me something that I have recently began to realize. Your dreams and goals change dramatically when you finally find that true love. Then, they alter even more the moment that tiny hand grabs hold of yours. Years ago I would have cried myself to sleep had someone told me that I wouldn’t be in grad school. Here I am not attending school, not working in accounting, and I’m not advancing towards my CPA. Guess what? I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I adore my simple life. My goals have changed. My dreams have changed. I now dream of late nights in pajamas cuddled up with my hubby, puppy, and a good movie. I dream of travelling with my husband. I dream of starting a family. I dream of crafting and painting… and doing all of those wifely things. Yes, I’m still a career woman at heart, but I’ve hung up my business suit for a while. I will be fully satisfied if my career NEVER reaches management levels as I have always desired.

As many of you know last term (Aug-Oct) I was a basket case. My academics ruled my world. I didn’t love it, but I thought it was what “defined me.” As the wedding drew closer and closer, the Lord began to tug on my heart. I began to feel like I wanted to QUIT. I just wanted to throw my hands up and surrender. I continued to beat myself up and call myself lazy. I thought I was just making excuses. One night while worshiping with youth from all across the county, the Lord called out to me. He told me that I was not defined my accomplishments or failures. He told me that I was not defined by my academic ability. I felt embraced and began to sob. It was at that moment that I realized I NEEDED to “quit.” I was not fulfilling my calling. I broke the news to RJ who welcomed the idea and fully supported my decision. He, too, felt like this was the Lord’s will for me. I was heartbroken, though. My grades defined me. It was that night that I realized what I was truly defined by. My love for the Lord defines me. My desire to serve Him and to love His people is what defines me.

 Until October of this year, I’ve never NOT been a student. I went to college straight from high school, and did not stop after I got my degree. For some people, dropping out of school IS the easy way out. This was not easy for me. In October of 2010, I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I did not register for classes for the first time ever! School was my comfort zone. I had to step out and literally sacrifice my career. I’ve handed it over to God, and He is now in control. Because I have put a hold on my school (and consequently my career), I am now able to be a better wife, sister, and most importantly a better servant for Jesus. I am able to enjoy my relationship with RJ. I do not have to “pencil in” time for him as I did when I was in school. I’m able to serve alongside him at our church and love on the girlies in our youth group. I’m available to them whenever they may need to call, text, or just have a good cry. I love the youth, but I also cherish my church family now more than ever.

If you are reading this and you don’t understand, or cannot follow it. Don’t worry – I wrote for me, and I now feel much better.

1 comment:

Keri said...

Isn't it so great to just let it all out? Even if some don't understnad, the ability to openly express your thoughts and feelings is such a blessing from God that blogging has bestowed upon us!

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