|maternity session from 2012|
photo cred: photosbymoe.com
Yesterday I had a major melt down.
I mean major.
I'm struggling so hard with my body image and self confidence.
I went through a deep, dark battle with myself and told myself cruel things.
You see, I gave myself what I called "a year of grace."
The first year of Madison's life I was not worried about weight loss.
I did not beat myself up for having gained weight.
I did not bother with dieting.
I was breastfeeding and needed a ga-jillion calories a day anyways.
Well, that year is now over.
I am beginning to make healthier choices.
Husband and I were going on a spontaneous date last night.
Of course I wanted to look nice, but nothing really fit the way I wanted.
Before this day, I had been doing well.
Life is good.
I have a great new job.
I have a beautiful bundle of joy.
My husband is so supportive and thinks I'm sexy.
Something just snapped in my mind.
I had a meltdown.
"You don't deserve food."
"You don't deserve clothes that fit."
"You will never be pretty again."
I broke down.
I sat at the toilet telling myself I didn't need that last meal I ate.
I tried and tried to throw up.
I'm past that, and my husband and I had a wonderful date.
Bless him, it's such a paradox when a women feels ugly.
You tell her she's beautiful.
She thinks "You're just saying that."
You encourage her to work out and eat healthy.
She thinks you're calling her fat.
After my meltdown I simply cried out to God and said:
"I know you think I'm beautiful,
but I want to think so too!"
It's as if God is literally being my own personal cheerleader.
He is encouraging me just when I need it.
This morning I was introduced to The Daniel Plan.
I know there are plenty of mothers out there who simply snap right back into their pre baby clothes and have no problem with self image. I am jealous. I'm not one of those moms. I gave myself a year of grace regarding my weight hoping that it would allow me to be a better mother. Granted, I didn't gain any weight, but I surely didn't lose any. I played and loved on my baby with no regard to the weight gain. It came up a few times, but for the most part, I showed myself grace.
I have been running in the mornings and making healthier choices. Unfortunately that is not enough. I must be motivated by God's will not willpower. This morning at church we started the Daniel Plan. It is a plan where God's desire and will for our lives is our motivation. God desires for us to make better choices. God gave us this body. He gave us this temple and we must take care of it.
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
-1 Corinthians 10:31
In order to be smarter, sharper, healthier, and an all around better servant for the Lord, I must treat my body as the temple it is. A Sunday school leader reminded us of the specifics God commanded for the place he was to dwell. He specified the type of wood, dimensions, and so much more. If he cared that much about a building, think about how much he cares about our bodies.
I know what it takes. I know it is a snow ball effect. Working out tends to make me eat healthier, and vice versa. With serving & pleasing God as my motivation, and God's will as my own, I will continue towards a healthier walk with him.
"Apart from me you can do nothing"
I am brand new to The Daniel Plan, so I can't do much talking about it, but here is the website for you to check it out: www.danielplan.com