A weight loss meltdown.

maternity session from 2012
photo cred: photosbymoe.com

Yesterday I had a major melt down.
I mean major.

I'm struggling so hard with my body image and self confidence.
I went through a deep, dark battle with myself and told myself cruel things.

You see, I gave myself what I called "a year of grace."
The first year of Madison's life I was not worried about weight loss.

I did not beat myself up for having gained weight.
I did not bother with dieting.
I was breastfeeding and needed a ga-jillion calories a day anyways.

Well, that year is now over.
I am beginning to make healthier choices.

Husband and I were going on a spontaneous date last night.
Of course I wanted to look nice, but nothing really fit the way I wanted.

Before this day, I had been doing well.
Life is good.
I have a great new job.
I have a beautiful bundle of joy.
My husband is so supportive and thinks I'm sexy.
Something just snapped in my mind.

I had a meltdown.

"You don't deserve food."
"You don't deserve clothes that fit."
"You're ugly."
"You will never be pretty again."

I broke down.
I sat at the toilet telling myself I didn't need that last meal I ate.
I tried and tried to throw up.

I'm past that, and my husband and I had a wonderful date.
Bless him, it's such a paradox when a women feels ugly.
You tell her she's beautiful.
She thinks "You're just saying that."
You encourage her to work out and eat healthy.
She thinks you're calling her fat.

After my meltdown I simply cried out to God and said:
"I know you think I'm beautiful,
but I want to think so too!"

It's as if God is literally being my own personal cheerleader.
He is encouraging me just when I need it.
This morning I was introduced to The Daniel Plan.

I know there are plenty of mothers out there who simply snap right back into their pre baby clothes and have no problem with self image. I am jealous. I'm not one of those moms. I gave myself a year of grace regarding my weight hoping that it would allow me to be a better mother. Granted, I didn't gain any weight, but I surely didn't lose any. I played and loved on my baby with no regard to the weight gain. It came up a few times, but for the most part, I showed myself grace.

I have been running in the mornings and making healthier choices. Unfortunately that is not enough. I must be motivated by God's will  not  willpower.  This morning at church we started the Daniel Plan. It is a plan where God's desire and will for our lives is our motivation. God desires for us to make better choices. God gave us this body. He gave us this temple and we must take care of it.

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 
-1 Corinthians 10:31

In order to be smarter, sharper, healthier, and an all around better servant for the Lord, I must treat my body as the temple it is. A Sunday school leader reminded us of the specifics God commanded for the place he was to dwell. He specified the type of wood, dimensions, and so much more. If he cared that much about a building, think about how much he cares about our bodies. 

I know what it takes. I know it is a snow ball effect. Working out tends to make me eat healthier, and vice versa. With serving & pleasing God as my motivation, and God's will as my own, I will continue towards a healthier walk with him. 

"Apart from me you can do nothing"
-John 15:5

I am brand new to The Daniel Plan, so I can't do much talking about it, but here is the website for you to check it out: www.danielplan.com

The Life Of Faith


The Life Of Faith said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I understand more than you realize as I struggle to feel beautiful too even with my new tummy shape and stretch marks. I love your honesty and your attitude about it all. You are beautiful Megan!

Raquel Dunn said...

I understand this so very much!!! I just had my 3rd one just 7 months ago and I too have given myself that 1 year grace period because I didn't do that with my second. However, all too often I still feel less than enough and I look at other who have 3 and 5 and bounce right back and it's such a struggle to not feel twinges of jealousy! Thank you for sharing your heart and hurt!

Natassia Butler said...

Oh I remember those feelings all too well. I still struggle but my little guy is not so little anymore at almost 3. I dont have my old excuse of calling it "baby weight" anymore. :) What a wonderful post and great reminder. Also, you ARE beautiful. Your husbands thinks so and so do we. ;) xo

Rebecca Rejoices said...

Been there, done that, but when you said, "I went through a deep, dark battle with myself and told myself cruel things," I kept thinking how it wasn't you telling yourself that stuff. The enemy can be so clever. Stop believing his lies, friend. You are fearfully, wonderfully, and BEAUTIFULLY made, exactly as you are. And being healthier is awesome, too. :-)
You can do it!

Samantha said...

If only we could always see ourselves as God does. Just know that HE is the ultimate creator and that He made us in His image. I'm on a quest to get healthy too! We can DO THIS!


Love you!

Shana Scott said...

Thank you so much for posting this! I too have been struggling with returning to a healthy lifestyle and weight after my second child. I thought it would all just melt off like it did with the first and it isn't! I needed these affirming words! SO beautiful and you ARE beautiful!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I used to be in your shoes until I one day decided I was worth being healthy and feeling good in my own skin again! It was hard, but I feel like a million bucks now! I stayed in shape through my 3rd pregnancy and now I inspire other mom's to live fit and healthy! Check out Turbo Jam, that's what I did and my pounds melted away while having fun.
Hugs to you. You are beautiful, be nice to yourself. <3

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