Because this blog is the closest thing I have to a journal...

Alright Lord,
I’m so negligent. I’ve been negligent for a while. I’ve turned my back on you and haven’t relied on you. It’s kinda hard to pray right now. I want what I want, but I know what you want is what’s best. Will you give me peace as we get ready to go to this appointment? I need your guidance. I need you to guide my husband more. I am controlled by my emotions and sometimes make decisions based off of them. My husband is stronger and will make a much better decision. Lord, will you please help us with the results of this ultrasound and exam? My desire is certainly that Madison can be born naturally, so I pray that you will ease her into the correct position. Be with Dr. Waller as he examines the situation and the position of our little girl. Help him to suggest the option that is healthiest for Madison. Speak through him, today, Lord. Use him.
I’m so sorry that I’m being selfish. I want to protect my little girl, but I know you want to protect her more. You know what’s best, duh. I can only see the here and now, you see everything. Your ways are not always my ways. And goodness me are your thoughts not my thoughts! Thank you for being sovereign. Thank you for being gentle with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for our daughter.
Lord, it seems like just a few days ago we were telling our families about this new addition, and she’s just days from being here! What a fun ride it has been. Thank you for all your blessings. Thank you for our wonderful, beautiful, and safe home to bring Madison home to. You have arranged everything for us, and I am so grateful. You have just worked everything out so well!
Lord, I trust that in your time, you will provide safe travels for our girl. We are lucky to have the one vehicle right now, but we need something much more dependable for her. Help us?
Also, lord, if you see fit to allow me the privilege to birth our girl, I will need your strength. I will need the power of the Lord to come over me. I would love nothing more than to have such a story that would glorify you. I would love to share with the world how you gave me the strength to make it through. Of course, any birth is a powerful story…. Actually, now that I think about it… What’s so special about having a C-section. You don’t do anything. Just lay there. I mean, you have to be strong to recover, but as far as bringing her into the world, the doc does it all. I want to birth my girl. I’d like to know that I worked hard to get her here. I don’t want that privilege to be stripped from me. I’m so sad, God. I’m so overwhelmed. Please turn our girl. Lord I want to experience labor. I want to experience my water breaking and the mad dash to the hospital. I want to feel the pain. Yes, I want to feel the pain. I may regret praying that, but I’m terrified of a C-section.
I’m sorry for being so negative, but I’m just trying to be real. You see my heart, you see my thoughts. You KNOW I want what’s best for her, but I want what’s best for me too. Like I said, you know best. Maybe complications would arise during a natural delivery. Who knows? Well, you do…. That’s why I trust you way more than I trust myself. Help me be brave, lord? Help me do what’s best for our unborn child.
Lord, I’m scared. But I think that’s ok.
I find peace in your wisdom and knowledge. 

1 comment:

Lesley at Fabulously Flawed said...

Oh darlin....
I've had 4 babies. All were vaginal except one.
Now everyone has their own story and this is just disrespect intended to anyone.
I feel and felt after the birth of my son following the C section...a loss. I felt like there was something that I was meant to do that I didn't do.
Ours was an emergency section after the umbilical cord wrapped and knotted around the baby's foot and was cutting off his oxygen so I didn't have time to prepare myself emotionally for what was to come.

Soon after the section, after the incredible healing process, I felt very lost. You know when you get that feeling that there's something empty, something you forgot to do but you can't wrap your head around what it was? It was like that x 100! I don't mean to worry you or scare you. I think I just understand what you are worrying about.
Just know that, no matter what, God will bring your girl to you in the way that is safest and best for the both of you! I know that you know that and that everyone is probably telling you the same thing. But, try not to focus too hard on the possibility of a section yet.
In the meantime, I am praying for her to turn and for your body to feel comforted as well as your heart to feel calmed. ♥

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